Auntie Bladderpod

Dear Auntie B,

Try as we might, we just cannot get our tar to the right consistency for dropping on orcs. Do you have any tips?

Yours gratefully
Captain F

---xXx---

Dear Captain F,

Tar is a tricky business. It seems so simple but the truth is it can be a bugger. My second husband, Arthur Dankpizzle, used to swear by the trick his mother, the renowned Orc-Killer Babs Babylon, taught him as a child. Spit once in the pot, turn thrice about widdershins and then add a dash of pepper and spit again. Say “Tar be thick, tar be hot, tar boil the damned Orcs’ scrots” and spit a final time. It sounds like nothing, but Babs knew her business.

Good luck.

Love
Auntie Bladderpod

Dear Aunty,

My parents don't approve of my boyfriend due to a long standing family feud. My Dad is talking about marrying me off and my boyfriend has suggested I fake suicide and then run away with him. I am sooo confused and no one seems to be listening to me!
Please help.

Thanks
Confused

---xXx---

Dear Confused,

You’re right to be confused. I’m confused. I find that a tankard full of Flak Ale (available from any good bottle shop) usually does the trick though. While you’re drinking it, you can’t remember why you are worried and after you’ve drunk it you can’t remember your own name. Problem solved. Now, what were you saying, dear?

Love
Auntie Bladderpod

Dear Aunty

My Husband has taken up the Banjo, except he can't really play, he certainly can't sing and I don't like the Banjo when it's played well. I am starting to think murderous thoughts. How do I get him to give up the dread instrument and do something useful with his time? Or at least spend some of it on me?

Thanks
NoMoreBanjo

---xXx---

Dear NoMoreBanjo,

Your problem is a very simple one to solve: matches. Set fire to the blasted thing and he won’t be able to play it, will he? It’s common sense, dear. If he interferes, you can always dish the same treatment out to him. That will teach him a little something about priorities and no mistake.

Love 
Auntie Bladderpod

Dear Aunty,

My wife's feet stink. I mean seriously, the pigs won't come in to the cottage at winter because of the smell. Can you please recommend something to help with this.

Many thanks
Stinky's Man.

---xXx---

Dear Stinky’s Man,

I recall a little saying that goes something like “let he who is without stink cast the first whiff”. You might want to consider your own no doubt dubious bodily odours before making such a fuss about a trifle such as this. That said, however, there are two options. Firstly, cutting your nose off isn’t just a spite to your face. It can really work. A sharp knife and something to cauterise the gaping wound that will result are all you need. Second, an old lotion my mother taught me to make might do the trick – a yard of knotted twineneedle crushed into powder mixed with the dirty bowel of a tree rodent, add a dollop of sulphur and pop it by the fire for 15 minutes to ooze nicely together and apply morning, noon and night. The vapours do tend to provoke just the tiniest of hallucinations but there have only been thirty seven deaths in the past year so you’ll probably be fine … as long as there isn’t a cutlass, a bridge or a billy goat gruff anywhere near you.

Love
Auntie Bladderpod