Auntie Bladderpod

Dear aunty wotsit

I have three fugly daughters wot no man wuld want for a wife and no sons to help me on the farm. I do not no wot I shud do. I cant afford to get any man to marry my girls and i cant afford to get help in on the farm and i cant afford to feed us all if this keeps up. Please can you help.

Morris.

---xXx---

Dear Morris,

It seems to Auntie (that’s Auntie Bladderpod not wotsit, dear) that you are a rather unpleasant little man – and I use the diminutive in relation to what you keep in your strides. Your daughters are probably more than capable of helping you on your no doubt maggot-ridden farm and selling them off as chattel is about a good of an idea as rubbing farting lotion into a drunken tart’s buttocks. My suggestion would be to them rather than to you – girls, Daddy is such a snaggle-worded ballbag, you’d probably be better off without him. Why not cook him and eat him to get yourselves a decent meal, and then split the farm profits three ways. A woman needs a man in this day and age like a knight needs a one-eyed hog in battle. 

Love

Auntie Bladderpod

Dear Aunty,

Our cook seems to have an unusual passion for turnips. We get them boiled, fried, grilled, stewed, kebab'd and in pie. I have tried telling her no one likes turnips. We give her an allowance to buy the food, but it all becomes expensive dressings and garnish for turnips! I am at the end of my turnip, please help.

Desperately sick of Turnips.

---xXx---

Dear Turnips,

It sounds to me that your cook has a dire case of Turnipial Psychosis. I have heard of this unfortunate malady far too often and yet people still fall foul to it. Turnips are notoriously attractive to some, which might be difficult to understand as sick as you are of them. Once their spindly roots are allowed to take hold in the sufferer’s mind, they can destroy lives. You must cut off your cook’s allowance at once, seize her, and lock her in the darkest cupboard you own with only water for sustenance. Leave her in there for at least ten days (thirty is the maximum to ensure total removal of the affliction) and you will find that she will no longer be interested whatsoever in turnips – or anything else for that matter as the likelihood of her either dying or being catatonic is unfortunately rather high, but needs must when the fiend fixates.

Love

Auntie Bladderpod

Dear Aunty,

My father and A Man have been discussing my age and a possible business alliance. I'm afraid I may be about to be married off to the Man who does not at all please me to look at, is much older and smells funny. I understand that Daddy would quite like to be in business with the Man but I do not particularly fancy being the small print if you know what I mean.  I was thinking of pretending to be a boy and running away to sea but it's a big change for a reasonably well do merchants daughter and I wondered if it might be a terrible mistake?

Please can you help me?

love Possibly a Pirate

---xXx---

Dear Possibly,

Be bold! The consequences of staying are far worse than those of going. My sister Crabby Minnie Ting-Tang was in exactly the same situation as you three score and nineteen years ago and she never regretted it, in fact she eventually became the scoundrel Pirate Gravelbeard’s right hand man (before she had to kill him in his sleep and take his bounty for herself. What that scurvy fleabag did to her poor dog is unprintable) Your father – who clearly sees you as nothing more than a commodity for him to trade - can choke on the dust of your kicked up heels as you run off into the sunset to a life of adventure on the high seas. Just remember to stuff your knickers with a decent pair of stockings. 

Everyone respects a man with a large doo-dang in his cacks.

Love

Auntie Bladderpod

Dear Aunty

I have enourmous boils on my bum i've never seen the like. What should I put on them?

Thanks

Uncomfortable.

---xXx---

Dear Uncomfortable,

I have always had terrible trouble with boils, nasty little buggers, so you’ve come to the right place. You need a tincture of dollywort and chuffjizzle, easy to obtain from your local wisewoman. You’ll need to apply it directly onto the boils – you may need someone else to do it for you if they can bear it, depending on the boils’ location. Three times daily and twice more once a for’night, but never when the moon is on the wane or when the sea is flat. That’s just asking for trouble.

In the meantime, sleep on your front and try not to use mulberry leaves when wiping. They sting like a demon’s tickle.

Love

Auntie Bladderpod